Odd Orders from Innocuous Things

“Suck me.”
 -the carpet
“After they lick you, come press against me.”
 -the envelope
“Blow me.”
 -the leaf
“Slather me.”
 -the bread
“Twist me in a knot and put a rubber band on me.”
 -the pony tail
“Gag me.”
 -the court order
“Choke me.”
 -the lawn mower engine
“Pin it on me.”
 -the cork board
“Let me hold your genitals”
 -the underwear
“Make it burn.”
 -the cast iron skillet
“Pee on me.”
 -home pregnancy test